Superfluous Fluff

2011 Thoughts and One Little Word

Two posts in two days?  Could it be?

As you could tell if you took the time to read yesterday's post (or even just to scroll down and down and down and down), 2010 was overwhelming for me.

Most days I feel like I've been steamrollered.

I'm a simple girl. 

I have simple goals and simple dreams. 

I get easily flustered and frazzled. 

I need plans and schedules and predictability in my life.

I like to feel connected and inspired.  Part of this reveals itself in the large number of blogs in my google reader.  Those blogs fall mainly into two groupings:

1. Photographers and/or scrapbookers and other creatives whose work brings a smile to my lips and awe to my heart and
2. Super moms who have large numbers of children whom they teach, craft with, create with and prepare lavish and nutritious meals for in their beautifully decorated and perfectly organized homes.

I am not those women.

Attempting to be those women makes me tired and discouraged and grumpy.  Attempting to be those women feeds depression and discouragement and often leads to a paralyzing inability to do anything because I know I'll never be able to do it as well as them. 

I need to stop biting off more than I can chew, stop suffering from the-grass-is-always-greener-syndrome and stop judging myself based on impossible and imaginary standards.   I need to be kinder to myself, to drop perfectionism and set my own standards--attainable standards.  I need to stop scrambling for more and more and more and take time to give thanks for what I have.

Dreams are good but guess what?

So is reality.

At one point this fall I was lying in my bed weeping, swamped by a wave of grief and loss.  Out of the silence of the night and through my open window came the mournful call of a loon on the lake and it suddenly came to me in a rush of peace and love that I was living my lifelong dream.  I am living in a home in the country, by a lake, in the type of community where people support and encourage one another and everyone knows your name.  I have a husband whom I not only love but like and admire, who makes me want to be better every day and somehow knows what I need and tries to provide it for me.   He has a good job that provides for our needs and he's willing to work hard and make sacrifices so that I can stay home and make a career out of being a mom.  I have 3 beautiful, smart, talented, healthy children who make me laugh at least as often as they make me want to scream.   My God is good and merciful and answers my prayers, even when He does not answer them in the way I wanted or expected. 

This is the dream of my childhood, my youth and my single days.

I AM LIVING MY DREAM.

So I don't have a beautifully decorated home that could be on HGTV.  So I get behind.  So I'm a crappy housekeeper (probably good that I don't have that beautifully decorated home if I'm just going to let the dust pile up).  So I yell at my kids more than I wish I did.  So I haven't sent out Christmas cards in 5 years (or is it 6?).  So I'm not rich.  So I've put on some weight.  So I'd rather spend an hour with a good book--and I prefer Romance Novels to non-fiction.

So what?

I've decided 2011 is my time to finally find balance.  To change the things I can and accept the things I can't.  To let go of the guilt.  To make small and specific goals and take the time to celebrate when I meet them.  To be less rushed.  To be less busy.  To complain less.  To practice saying "no" when it needs to be said.  To be more patient.  To be more understanding.  To be more grateful.  To be more happy. 

This year I'm joining the One Little Word movement and plan to focus on my word in a big way.

My word for 2011 is:

Rejoice.  Rejoice.  Rejoice.

I will rejoice every day; even when the day hasn't gone well. 

I will rejoice out loud and I will rejoice softly in my heart.

I will rejoice in life and love, in rainbows and dandelions.

I will keep a gratitude journal, for there is much to be grateful for and I believe that gratitude and rejoicing are Siamese twins.

I will rejoice in the great and the small, in my triumphs, in the triumphs of my children, in the triumphs of my friends and the triumphs of strangers. 

I will rejoice despite depression, grief and pain, focusing on the joys of the things and experiences and people life has sent to me instead of mourning their loss.  I believe that there is a purpose to it all and trust that all will be revealed.  I have learned that time is fleeting and I will rejoice in my faith that one day our sicknesses will be healed, our tears dried and our loved ones returned to us.

I will Rejoice in my God.  I will rejoice in your God.  I will rejoice in goodness wherever it can be found--and I will seek that goodness. 

I am thankful to be called to work with the youth in our church right now.  Our church's theme for our youth for 2011 is our 13th Article of Faith, which is

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things.  If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

I rejoice in the opportunity to focus on these ideas this year and to honour the amazing youth I know who embrace these ideals.  I will be seeking after these things and rejoicing in them. 

I plan to share my progress with you and hope you will rejoice with me. 

Happy 2011!  Rejoice!

In my rearview mirror: 2010

Oh, if only there were a publish button connecting my brain to the computer!  I composed so many blog posts this past month and got around to actually sitting and typing out....um....well, I guess you can see exactly how many I got around to actually typing out. 

I have several goals for 2011 but don't feel that I can move forward until I've given one last look back--especially since so much of our lives this year never got blogged.   Also because I think I need to give 2010 a fair shake.  So much went wrong this year and the more that went wrong the more I focused on that.  I honestly couldn't wait for this year to be over and done with.  But when I started looking back I found that there was so much GOOD this past year that I was forgetting.  I little reminder to myself that life is what we make of it and perspective is everything.

Without further ado....

JANUARY

January was a lazy month.  It was cold but cozy.  We spent lots of time snuggling on the couch, lots of time playing with the new Wii Fit, and lots of time being silly.  I started a big 365 Photography Project and was enjoying finding things to photograph each day. I was also doing a great job of keeping my 2010 "get healthy" goals...at first.  We watched as much coverage of the big earthquake as we could stand to view and gave constant thanks for our many blessings (and as much as we could afford to relief efforts).  As the month progressed I found myself more and more lacking in energy and put it down to the encroaching February blahs.  It finally occured to me at the end of the month when the last time I felt this tired was....and I bought a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  The first person I told was Princess (I actually got her to read the stick to me).    This may have been the high point of the year--a new baby!  So exciting!

FEBRUARY

February started off on the wrong foot.  Actually, February slid off the wrong foot and left us concussed.  On the first day of February my morning sickness hit in full force.  I threw up 8 times by mid-afternoon and was counting the hours until Hubby came home....except he never came.  He finally phoned just after suppertime to let me know he was in the ER and would be home when he could.   What a day!  He had slipped on a patch of ice on his way from a meeting and broke his hand.   We were quite the pair. 

Fortunately he only missed a couple of days of work and didn't need surgery.  PHEW!  The month continued on that way with small mercies making us give thanks daily.  The first big snowfall Hubby and I stood at the window wondering what to do--he couldn't shovel and I shouldn't.  Just when we wondered aloud what to do our next door neighbour appeared on his tractor and plowed us out.  He had no idea what we were going through, he just showed up.  He showed up all winter.  He was just one of many angels that helped us get through a tough month.  My exercise goals and 365 project were both given up early in the month (but boy was I losing weight!) and I had to stay away from the computer as more than 15 minutes made me ill.  There was still plenty of snuggling with the kiddos though and excitement as they continued in Brownies, Sparks, Beavers, Dance, piano and various clubs and activities at school.  Sweetpea was doing an Olympic Enrichment project at school and some of the most cherished memories of my life will be those early mornings where she would slip out of bed and snuggle up with me on the couch (which had become my sick bed) and we'd watch the early morning Olympic coverage together.  We'd talk about how well Canada was doing and share little nothings and big dreams.  Second highest point of the year?

MARCH

March was a bit of a blur of misery.  I hit my sickest point the first week...right at the same time as March Break.  Oh, and our Boy spent his March Break suffering from Scarlet Fever.  Just when we thought he was all better, on his last day of antibiotics, he broke out in hives and it was back to the ER.  It turns out he is allergic to that particular type of antibiotic (no surprise--both myself and my mom are too).  Eventually he was back at school though he never really got his energy back and would occasionally have a fever in the evening only to wake up fine in the morning.  It was obvious his body was fighting a big battle against SOMETHING but we weren't sure what or how to help.  The coming of spring was rejoiced over GREATLY--we were all looking forward to more time spent outdoors in the fresh air, my first trimester was OVER and the nausea and vomiting should be easing up in the next month (my body is pretty predictable that way) and we were all ready for a little more colour in our lives.  Sweetpea had a low-key sort of a birthday celebration, but it was good enough for her.  I felt guilty for not feeling up to making a cake, but she asked for an ice-cream cake and LOVED it. 

APRIL

April started on a high note.  I was feeling a bit better; still nauseated but not vomiting as often, and we FINALLY put away our Christmas tree.  Yes, we broke records in 2010 by having our tree up until April.  We were just too sick and tired to get it down before then.  We got it down just in time for Easter, and I even managed to make a respectable Easter dinner.  The bunny came, the local deer dropped by to graze on the lawn...yes, things were looking up. 

(Four little Easter friends from Grandma for our 4 little babies)

Sadly, it turned out to be an up before the biggest dip on the roller-coaster that was 2010.  When I went to my 16-week wellness check-up, the doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat.  (Strangely enough, the doppler was able to pick up a country music station though.  Hilarious!)  The doctor told me not to worry (but I did) and sent me for an emergency ultrasound to find out what was happening.  You can read all about that heartache here.  The short version is that our baby had died only days before, I was induced and delivered our son, Gaelan, on April 14th.   I don't have words to describe the way this changed us all, individually and as a family.  

(Looking out the sky from my hospital bed after they took him away, I thought I saw a baby sleeping in the clouds and snapped a photo.  I kept wondering how the sky could be so blue.)

Life had to go on though and we somehow survived April.  Friends from church and the village brought meals that first week and even came to help clean the house (after 4 months of illness and neglect it needed an embarrassing amount of help).  The kids continued with their activities and the tulips bloomed.  Both girls presented their Enrichment Projects and did wonderful jobs (and the few parents who noticed me bolt from the room to sob uncontrollably in the washroom while the kids sang that "I Believe" song from the Olympics were kind enough to say nothing).   The Boy was sick again with a suspected case of mumps that turned out NOT to be mumps (though it took nearly a month to get the test results back).  His lumps seemed here to stay and we got to take him to doctor and ENT appointments.  Frankly between the two of us we seemed to always be at the doctor for the entire spring.

MAY

May miracles.  I began seeing them all around me.  Of course, maybe it was that perspective shift; so many things that I may have missed or taken for granted seemed the mightiest of miracles to me in May.  May showers arrived and everytime I thought I was going to have a breakdown a rainbow would appear. I felt that God was near and that He knew my pain.  Not that I was ready to forgive Him for breaking my heart.

The month started with our annual Music Festival.  This year only Sweetpea sang in the children's choir (the others felt unmotivated by the lack of treats offered) but I sang in the Ecumenical choir.  This year was the first that all 3 children participated and all did SO well.  The Princess topped her piano classes.  Sweetpea sang a sweet solo and placed second in her class and even the Boy placed with his spoken verse.  To make it all that much sweeter, the Grandparents were visiting during festival and got to see everyone perform.   May also saw a bittersweet Mother's Day and my last Kindergarten Mommy Makeover (the Boy is an artist!).  Hubby travelled to Texas on a business trip and we made the best of it with his daily emails and phone calls, as well as fun times at the airport.  It was a crazy month for Girl Guide activities and saw all of us girls head to the big 100 Years of Guiding Provincial Rally in Sussex.  Later in the month I accompanied our Guides to Operation Olave in Woodstock where our first year girls placed 1st Overall AND took the Shianne Delong Memorial Award--a very high honour.  I'm not sure I could have been prouder of those girls if I was their parent.  And slowly....slowly I began to pick up my camera again.

JUNE

June was a baby month.  Showers, photo shoots, excitement....I may have nursed my broken heart by shopping quite extravagantly for friends and strangers--though I was genuinely happy for them.  Just a little jealous.  The rainbows continued to find me and soothe my soul.  A heat wave hit early in the month and the kids and I were swimming at the lake by the 12th.  THE 12th! 

June was the month we got the final autopsy and test results for Gaelan, only to find out he was fine.  I was fine and healthy, he was fine and healthy, and one day his heart just stopped beating.  There would be no explanations for our loss from the medical community.  The news had me throwing myself into life and my children's lives full force.  There's no tomorrow so enjoy today!  I tagged along on end of year field trips for both Sweetpea (St. Andrew's-by-the-Sea, a family favourite) and the Boy (Scott's Nursery).   I helped with the Boy's Enrichment Presentation, planned and prepped for our Girl Guide Summer Camp, snapped photos everywhere I went, and got involved in anything anyone would let me get involved in.  I cheered my three at their school's family fun day, with their amazing end of year report cards, and just for being themselves.  At the end of the month we all went to camp--but not together.  Guide Camp, Brownie Camp, Spark Camp and Beaver camp were all the same weekend.  Crazy times!  June was about grabbing the joy in life and wringing it dry.  June was fun but frantic. 

JULY

July continued in much the way that June had.  We blasted off by spending Canada Day in St. Andrew's as a family  (another highlight of the year).   I had signed myself and the kids up for a couple of classes at BPS (now Big Picture Classes) and we were working on our assignments (which were always about fun).  We shopped, we played, we visited, we threw ourselves into having the best summer ever.  We visited DQ more than once (and the freezer at home was always well stocked with ice cream and fudgsicles).  We did the reading program at the library.  We drove to Fredericton daily for swimming lessons.  We welcomed my Mom and her husband at our place for a few days before meeting them in PEI for a camping vacation that was jam-packed with adventure.  We rarely stopped and we were rarely home. 

July is the month for which I did 3 photo shoots and still have 3983 personal photos waiting to be edited.

AUGUST

Did we slow down in August?  A little!  We came home from PEI to another round of swimming lessons, but we were getting tired (well, I was, anyway).  We wrapped up the swimming lessons and the library program, though we didn't stop swimming or reading.  We blew bubbles and hung around in hammocks.  We came home.  We enjoyed our village's Community Days, we went into town to experience the Changing of the Guard, we did a little back to school shopping, but we basically wound down.  We remembered that life can be enjoyed just as much at a slower pace.  Sometimes it's even better to stand back and watch it all go by.

 

SEPTEMBER

September was back to school.  The Princess began Grade 4, Sweetpea Grade 2 and the Boy Grade 1.  Hubby worked and worked and I was finally forced to face my empty nest, along with the hardness of my due date and all the "should'ves" that danced through my mind, dreams woven in winter and shattered in spring that never got to see the fall they were waiting on.  I took up running and found myself back in PEI one weekend for a youth conference.  The phone started ringing with requests for fall photos and I remembered that the plan for 2010, before our roller coaster started, was to start my own photography business.  Did I still want to?  The Boy turned 6 and celebrated with cake and gifts, including his newest and greatet love--Garfield.  We found comfort in a return to routines and the structure that school brings, plus those crisp fall nights and warm sunny days that we love.

OCTOBER

October is always our favourite month.  It was dulled a little by the knowledge that someone was missing this year, but we still had fun.  Nothing dulls the beauty and wonder of October, at least not in this part of the world.  We had our Annual Trip to Hunter Brothers Farm and Corn Maze (Sesame Street this year--fun!).  Note to self though--dress in lots of layers next year.  We FROZE this year!

I quietly launched myself as a professional photographer and spent a lot of time on budgets and pricing and so forth (and it never ends!).  I gave up running.  We invited friends for Thanksgiving who brought Dutch Blitz with them, a game both Hubby and I used to love playing and forgot existed.  So much fun!  I saw a moose at the school and she was kind enough to let me take lots of photos.  I had lots of photoshoots and kept busy editing them all.  We kept busy with all of our various activities (so busy!).   We celebrated the Princess' birthday and Hallowe'en.  We smiled more. 

NOVEMBER

We started November with a trip to Halifax for Gaelan's interrment.  It was the first time the kids had stayed in a hotel, so there was fun along with the sadness.  We spent some time at the temple before the ceremony, another first for our kiddos.  We said good-bye.

We saw snow early in the month (we actually got some snow for Hallowe'en) and enough to play in by mid-month.  We had Christmas Mommies and told Santa our wishes,  observed Remembrance Day, and started plotting our Christmas (cantata practices!).  We girls were able to attend a big Guide Sleepover in Brookside Mall (in Fredericton)  together and had a ton of fun. 

DECEMBER

December was busy yet not.  We had a pretty low-key Christmas this year.  We sang in the Cantata, attended our ward Christmas dinner, decorated the house, baked....but we did everything a little less than usual.  I only made a couple batches of cookies instead of all the cookies and squares I usually crank out for Christmas.  We decorated later than usual (and I'm itching to take things down).  We saw insane weather with a big storm every Monday in December but were spared the flooding that many of our friends and neighbours struggled with.  We had a quiet Christmas where we all took turns with some kind of gastro-intestinal bug (the only one who escaped was Hubby) and stayed home to bring in the New Year together.  My December photos aren't even off of my camera yet--and that's ok. 

All in all I'd have to say that 2010 was a difficult year.  We were stretched in so many different ways and we're still figuring it all out.  It truly was the best of times and the worst of times.  We'll hope that 2011 has more best than worst in store for us.  Honestly we could all use just a bit of a rest.

In an attempt to focus on the best, I'm leaving you with the kiddos' ideas of what they liked best about 2010.

Princess:

1.  Our trip to PEI!

2.  Swimming lessons.

3.  Christmas Eve Party at our friends' house (first time we went out for Christmas Eve).

4. Dance lessons/recital.

5. Music Festival.

6.  KITTENS!

 

Sweetpea:

1.  Playing with the neighbour's kittens.

2. Birthday party at the twin's farm.

3.  Having a White Christmas.

4. Seeing lots of bunnies.

 

The Boy:

1. GARFIELD!

2. The twin's birthday party (different twins than Sweetpea's friends).

3. Beaver Camp

4. Christmas

 

How would you sum up 2010?  If you've done some kind of a summary post on your blog, I'd love to see it! Link me up!

Holiday Wish List Meme

I saw this meme on Cathy and Ali's blogs (as part of a big giveaway).  Being way behind in my reading, I was too late to enter the giveaways, but loved the meme and thought it would be fun to do.

• What is your holiday wish for your family? Joy. Peace. Love.  Laughter and wonder and warm snuggles and the kind of stories that are told around the table 20 years from now with a twinkle in the eye and a giggle on the lips.
• What is your Christmas morning tradition? Wait for all the kiddos to get up (and torture them by telling them they can't get up until 7).  Photos by the tree and a quick read of Luke 2, then breakfast together.  Kids open stockings while mom puts the kitchen back together and the turkey in the oven, then gifts together and the rest of the morning spent lounging in our Christmas pj's (that we opened and put on Christmas Eve) and enjoying our new toys and each other. 
• If you could ask Santa for one, completely decadent wish for yourself, what would it be? Canon 5D Mark II.
• How do you make the holidays special without spending any money? Time.  Curling up together to read holiday-themed books (many kept from my childhood), staying up late to catch a Christmas special on tv (even though we have them on DVD), going out in the snow to play and coming in to hot chocolate....just time together. 
• What games did you play with your family growing up? Monopoly, Sweet Valley High (yes, I totally made my brothers play), Go Fish, War, Euchure...we were mostly a card playing family.
• What holiday tradition have you carried on from your own childhood? Making the family eat breakfast before gifts on Christmas morning, Mom (me!) handing out the gifts one by one to make it last, a big turkey dinner Christmas afternoon....and lots of fun baking and decorating leading up to the big day. I still make a lot of favourites from my own childhood.
• Where would you go for a Christmas-away-from-home trip? We live away from "home" so we would go spend Christmas with family.  I love our little family traditions but would also love just once to sit to a big table filled with Grandparents and cousins and the whole gang of loved ones. 

That was fun!  Come back and tell me if you do it too--I'd love to see your answers!

By Request: Wish List 2

What Grandma is really after is a wish list from Hubby and I.

This is going to be very, very long and you may want to skim or skip (unless you're Grandma).

Grandma (aka my mom) gives great gifts.  Gift giving is, in fact, her main love language.  She rocks at it.  Christmas in our house growing up was always pretty dang miraculous.  Even when times were tight, there was always at least one special thing that was exactly what you wanted.  My Mom? Santa Claus.  Seriously.  But even Santa enjoys having a nice list to use as her starting point for ideas. 

Here are the problems with that:

a.) Gift reception is NOT Hubby's love language.  It continues to be a completely foreign language to him.  I'm not sure he'll ever learn to speak it, and he thinks those who do speak it are a wild and wacky alien culture. (You guys know about love languages, right?  Or am I a wild and wacky alien?)  When Grandma calls wanting a Christmas list from the grown-ups, she mostly means she needs one for Hubby.  And then Hubby gets all baffled about this wish list thing (Hubby also does not really collect "stuff") and puts me off (why am I always the middle man?).  And then Grandma gets frustrated because she has no idea what to give Hubby, and she NEEDS to give him something, or how will he know he's loved?  Cycle of crazy.  Dog chasing tail.  Exercise in futility.

b.) We are broke.  Reality check, folks.   This recession, combined with a two-year wage freeze, combined with a complete re-organization of Hubby's company (it's technically a new company now) that leads to no performance reviews, which leads to no wage adjustments, has got us feeling the pinch.  Add to that a crazy wife who goes a little nutty in the spending department this summer as a way of coping with grief. (Turns out when I'm sad I eat.  And food?  EXPENSIVE.)  Then crazy wife goes and starts a new business.  Which is the long way of saying....Christmas?  Very, very, VERY low-key this year.  I'm still trying to figure out how Santa is going to make it.  We're scrambling to give our kids a few small things*.  Everyone else is off the Christmas list.  We just can't afford to give you anything more than a big hug or words of love and appreciation (both sincerely given).

That was before our computer died and we had to dip into our emergency fund to replace it. 

Also, our fridge is acting very strangely and may need life support.

2010 is not going on my life list of favourite years. 

(*Yes, I know Christmas isn't about gifts.  But I enjoy having them be a part of our celebrations.  Some things rub off on you.  And I have at least one child whose love language is gifts.  I wish to give them.)

So, wish list.

Here goes:

1) I was so very completely serious when I said we'd like it if you got yourself something great and considered it from us.  It hurts me that I can't give you much of anything this year (or last) and I know it hurts you.  I feel guilty and sad.  So really, take the money you would have spent on us and get yourself something awesome that you wouldn't have treated yourself to otherwise.  Tickets to a show, a pretty new outfit, couples massage, dinner out...we're not picky.  These are all things we wish we could gift to you.  Or here, this is something I think you'd enjoy! From us to you!  Merry Christmas!

Give yourself (and your Terry-Bear) something absolutely perfect and then tell us all about how much you enjoyed it.  The gift of not feeling guilty is what I want for Christmas this year (and the gift of not listening to me complain about how I feel guilty is what Hubby really, REALLY wants).   A little holiday peace can last for years.

2)  Spoil the grandkids!  They love it.  We don't mind.  In fact, once again, less guilt for us!  (But remember that peace part.  I'm still not sure I can forgive you for those singing Dora Dolls.)

3) Pay it forward.  Christmas is about giving and we might be feeling pulled but all of our complaints are definitely 1st-world ones.  We have a home and heat and food.  How about sponsoring a child, buying a goat (or BUNNIES), adopting a tiger, making a business loan, or something else equally good?

4) Cold hard cash.  See (b) above.  Also, fridge and dishwasher dying.  Gift cards are also lovely.  Atlantic Superstore, the eeee-vil Wal-marts, Chapters, Micheal's, Canadian Tire....we're not picky!  

5) A winning lottery ticket.  We'd totally share. 

6) I know.  Number 4 goes against everything you are.  I have the "gift cards show a lack of thoughtfulness" speech memorized.  I was just messing with you (but they totally save on shipping costs).  I also know you're going to ignore #1 and #2 and phone me back looking for the real list.  Here are some "you're going to bug me until I come up with something" suggestions.

;)

• Food.  Hubby has a weakness for real maple syrup.  I have a weakness for chocolate-anything.  We both love cashews.  Mostly anything in the Insider's Report has us perked up with interest.  Nibbles and treasures that are totally not good for us are very popular around here with every age demographic.   Home-baked goodies are VERY popular.
• Tongs.  My kitchen is without them.  I use a fork or my fingers (ouch).  They would be a welcome addition.  The kids might enjoy a cheese slicer.  They use a knife now but they cut the cheese VERY thick and it makes me crazy. 
• Very soft blankets.  We like to snuggle up around here.  There is also fort building occurring with surprising regularity.  Also?  Really nice blankets get put away for me to use as back-drops for business.
• Socks.  Dressy, silly, soft, seasonal.  We don't all love socks, but we all feel that if we have to wear  them, they should be fun.  (Last year you gave the Boy Christmas socks and he delighted in wearing them still in June.  He thought it was hilarious and always walked around with a smile on his face when wearing Christmas socks.  He has worn them out.  They are now holy socks.)
• Books.  Feed my JD Robb addiction!  I also missed these two (I have the second two in the quartet).  I'd also love to get the current issue of CK (it comes with a cd) or a subscription to Scrapbooks Etc.  I could go on and on and on with my wish list in that area.  I'm not sure what Hubby is reading right now, but both Chapters and amazon.ca may as well be on a direct deposit for us.  That's where the mad money goes!  (You asked which fairy books the girls have: they have (or will receive for Christmas) most rainbow, party, pet, dance and Christmas fairies.  Princess also has Mia the Bridesmaid fairy.)
• Snow brush for my car.  Actually, I may have to buy this for myself very soon and call it my own Christmas present.
• Rechargable batteries (AA).
• Charging dock for the Wii Remotes
• Charger for Wii Fit board (we had one but the Boy broke it).
• Wii games (sensing a theme?)  The kids are obsessed with anything with the Mario characters.
• Picture frames or photo center gift card (I like Blacks).  How sad is it that a scrapbooker/photographer hasn't printed any photos of her own in over a year?  SAD.
• Holiday decorations.  I rarely buy them for myself.  I always think of better things to spend money on.  But I like seeing my house all done up.  And not just for Christmas! (I bet Hallowe'en stuff is super cheap on clearance right now.)
• Photography silliness:  just about anything from this completely awesome website would make me a very happy girl.  You might even find some of these things elsewhere.  I would ADORE having this (Canon please), we'd all have fun with this, I could actually use this or this or this...this is trippy good fun, this makes me smile....oh, poke around.  It's all good! 

Ok, that's it.  I'm out of reasonable ideas (a deck!  a mini van!  5D Mark II!  Or 1D Mark III!  Or IV!  35mm f/1.4L!  24-70 f/2.8L!  85 1.2LII!) and this may win a record as the world's longest blog post. 

Love you Santa Mom, and kudos to anyone else who actually read all this.

Focused on Thanks Week 3

Spending the week without a computer (or with a computer but busy with set-ups) meant that I didn't post my thankfuls to facebook  for most of the week.  I thought them, but didn't write them down.  I've realized that as thankful as I can feel in my heart, there is something truely empowering about the act of recording those feelings. 

Thankful for that little life lesson.

An attempt to recreate a week's worth of gratitude:

Day 15:  is thankful today for her friendly community library. Not only does it feed my life-long book addiction, but today it is allowing me to tell you all that I have NO COMPUTER. Thank you Community Access!

Day 16: is thankful today for the quiet.  Suddenly with no computer I have a lot more time for things that usually get pushed aside (like housekeeping) and a lot more room for peaceful reflection in my heart and head.  I'm thankful for the break.

Day 17:  is thankful for my husband's gifts and talents and skills.  Without him this computer crisis would be a lot bigger and a LOT more expensive.  I guess I should stop teasing him about how I would be better served if he were to become a chiropracter (like his father and brother) and give thanks for his computer savvy.  You rock, Hubby!

Day 18: is thankful to have found a treasure trove of old e-mails, funny forwards, school papers and little love notes (from Hubby, before he was Hubby) on a bunch of old floppy disks.  My very own bunch of letters in the attic tied with ribbon---21st century style.  So much fun reading through them (and transferring them to the new computer).

Day 19: is thankful to be back online and is thankful for online sharing and education.  Attending a great class on CreativeLIVE and wishing I could attend all weekend long.  Great information.  I'm so thankful that there are so many people willing to share their knowledge and experience with the world.

Day 20: is thankful for sleep and wishing I was getting some.  Kidding! (Mostly)  Attending a Girl Guide sleepover with a great bunch of girls.  I'm thankful for them, for their supportive parents, the organizers of the event (450 girls, 1 mall) and the Girl Guide program.  Love it!

Day 21: is thankful for Christmas music.  I love this time of year.  Christmas choir at church, Cantata for the community....my heart is full. 

Favourite photo of the week:

 

Focused on Thanks Week 2

Due to the computer crash I wasn't able to gather all of my thankful posts for the second week of November but wanted to do it now that I'm up and running again.

(I'M UP AND RUNNING AGAIN!!! YAY!!!)

Day 8:  is thankful for the great school that my kids go to. So many dedicated teachers, staff and parents all working together. I love that I can send my kids to a place where virtues are valued and recognized and we can all feel good about their attendance there.

Day 9: is soooooooooo thankful to be a two-vehicle family. The old beater began making funny noises and shaking today, and then the engine light started flashing. Yikes! In imagining life with only one vehicle again I realized that it would be a completely different life. So I'm very, very thankful to have two cars!

Day 10: is thankful that so many of my friends have "liked" and supported my fledgling photography business in so many ways. THANK YOU ALL!

Day 11:  is thankful for all the men and women who serve during war and peace and for their families. So many sacrifices made so that I can enjoy my life and my many, many freedoms. Thank you.

Day 12:  is thankful today that her Christmas Spirit has come and found her--earlier than usual even.

Day 13:  is thankful today for the many members of her congregation who serve and serve and serve. Thankful also for all the fun at the Variety Show tonight.

Day 14: (the day the computer died) is thankful for an external hard-drive and clever back-ups.  So nice to ONLY be worrying about budgeting for a new computer and not mourning the loss of both family and business photos.  PHEW!!!  BACK-UP your stuff internet!

Favourite photo of the week:

PS--I'm switching up the design again--because it's snowing and I'm feeling Christmasy!

Focused on Thanks

Last month we here in Canada celebrated Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving may be my favourite holiday.

I love focusing on the things to be thankful for.

So when I noticed friends deciding to post daily on facebook about what they are thankful for, I decided that that was one bandwagon that I definitely wanted to hop right on.  Who cares if Thanksgiving was last month?  Why can't I have another one if I want to?

I've been posting daily thanks on facebook and thought I'd bring a weekly wrap-up over here, both for my own reference and for those of you who don't go on facebook.

Day One: thankful...for facebook (where I got this idea).  For the connections it allows me to make and maintain and the goodness that my friends share here.

Day Two: thankful...for my husband, my friend, who is always there for me, who puts up with my quirks and foibles and even the really glaring faults, who somehow senses when I need a shoulder to cry on or a swift kick in the bum, and offers each as needed.

Day Three: thankful...for CLEAN WATER. Oh how I love it so!  Cold and refreshing, clean and pure, for washing or consuming, water rocks my world! How grateful I am to have easy access to lovely sparkling water.

Day Four: thankful...for good health and the (so far) good health of my children.  We too often take it for granted.

Day Five: thankful...for my children and every single second I am given to spend with them.

Day Six: thankful...for quiet places.

Day Seven: thankful...to live in the type of community that has Standing Room Only at the Annual Remembrance Day Service.

Last week my focus seems to have been on the big picture things to be thankful for, but believe me, I'm finding plenty of little things to be thankful for too.  The only challenge is choosing just one thing each day!

Outed

3 years.

For 3 years I've kept this blog, and for three years I've worried about internet safety.

When you're a mom, you worry.  You research, you worry, you plan, you worry, you make decisions, and then you worry some more.

(Please say it's not just me.)

I've kept my identity to myself, given my children and husband codenames, and kept my actual location as vague as possible. 

And now I'm outing myself.

Come see me over here.  Find out my real name and (eventually) location. 

Of all the hurdles and concerns of starting a new business, this is actually one of the most worrisome parts for me.  I wondered if I should make this blog, my personal blog, private, or even do away with it altogether. 

But I don't want to.

Every single reason I had for starting it still exists.  It's still my diary, my letters to home, my scrapbook and showcase and way of connecting with friends.

So I'll leave things as they are over here.  We'll stay chummy and unprofessional and full of TMI and rants and all the superfluous fluff that doesn't belong on a business site. 

I'm so glad you're here. 

Today is my due date

I was warned that it would be hard.

It's hard. 

I got up this morning and set off on my run, willing myself to celebrate the day and not let it get to me.  After all, it's the first day of fall, typically my favourite day of the year.  There is so much to be thankful for.

There is so much to miss.

I wasn't going to say anything.  I don't want more words of condolence; everything that can be said has been said, months ago already. 

A lifetime ago. 

But today is my due date, and one of the hardest things to deal with is that no one knows.  I keep breaking down for no apparent reason.  I want to cry and scream and rage.  I want to huddle in a corner and rock and sob and maybe start pulling my hair or sucking my thumb. 

I want to not be empty.

And I need the day acknowledged, even if none of my children has ever been born on their actual due date.  Even if it's just a number on the calender.  A number that means little to anyone but me. 

Today is my due date.

I just wanted you to know.

Couch to 5K (C25K) Week One, Day One

You guys.

You guys.

That.  Was.  HARD.

What the sweet heck was I thinking?

Listen, I am not an athlete.  I have never been an athlete.  I was, for a while, a runner, but I ran on a track with friends and we rewarded ourselves with donuts after our run.  And it was in high school.  And it was never 5K. 

Lately I have been rocking the couch.  For the first 4 months of this year rather exclusively, because I was so sick.  There is a permanent Cole-sized imprint on our couch.  And we weren't strangers before or after. 

Which is part of why I find myself with many more pounds on my frame than I care for.

My life philosophy has generally been: why run when you can walk, why walk if you can stand, why stand if you can sit, why sit if you can lie down?

You think I'm using hyperbole, but I'm not.

I should probably be about 300 lbs with that life philosophy, but genetics have been good to me (Thanks Mom!  Thanks Dad!).  Still, since I hit 30 I've been packing the weight on at a rate of about 10lbs a year.  

I turn 33 in two months.

It needs to stop.

Plus, have you been following Cathy Z?  Very inspirational, and she makes it sound so simple.  Eat less, move more.  She's started a trend amongst my internet peeps and it's a good thing.

HA! 

Just because all your internet friends are doing something doesn't mean it's a good idea for you!

I'm not running with anyone or partnering with anyone, so I'm going to bore you with a little online rambling.  To make myself accountable to someone.  Because it helps.

So Friday I decided I was doing this thing and even blogged about it.  I was going to do it Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and do yoga or Pilate's on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, giving me Sundays off.  Hubby came home Friday night and figured out the podcasts for me and loaded up the MP3 player.  I was good to go Saturday morning!  Yay!

Except...the kids and I went to the library Friday night.  And I started this book.  And I wanted to finish it.  And....

I never ran Saturday morning. 

But I had blogged about it, and I had told friends about it at a baby shower, so I kind of felt like I had to do it.

Stuck.

Today is Tuesday, so I had to run.  Maybe. 

It was raining!  Maybe I should wait for a sunny day?

But no, I am fat and unfit, and was out of excuses.  I had the time, the gear, the podcast.  

And it stopped raining.

And I'd already told people I was doing it.

So I pulled on my sweats, tied on my sneakers, turned on the podcast, and swung out the door.

Here's how it went:

Brisk walk to warm up.  Awesome. I love a nice brisk walk.  Ok, the techno music is a little cheesy, but I like having a beat to pace to.

Woah!  5 minutes is up!  Time for my first 60 second run.

Oh... Crap...I'm jiggling everywhere.  I hope no one sees me.  I think I need a better bra.  And something for my butt.  Do they make bum bras?  What kind of underwear might hold some of the jiggling back?..Who cares?  I'm going to die... How did I get THIS out of shape?...If a bad guy jumped out of the bushes right now I'd be toast...Double crap...Now I'm hyperventilating...What the?  I know how to breathe!  This is ridiculous!  In, out.  In, out. Slow down lungs!..I'm going to die...Is it 60 seconds yet?..I'm itchy.  THIS is why I hate exercise.  I always get so itchy...I'm allergic to exercise...Maybe it's my MH?...No one else ever gets itchy when they exercise.  I know, I've polled people...Maybe I should have talked to the doctor before this bout of INSANITY...This is what comes of being a joiner!..Peer pressure...You should never give in to peer pressure.  You shouldn't try to be like the cool kids.  You're never going to be one of the cool kids....My legs!  They are shaking!..I'm going to fall down.  Down, down, down in the ditch, where I will die and they won't find my bones until spring...Is that a skunk?  I don't see it, just smell it.  That would cap it.  Sprayed by a skunk as I kill myself trying to run...I'm not going to make it.  I think I'm going to have to quit.  Maybe I should only do 30 seconds of running.  Maybe I should do Week One for 2 or 3 or 6 weeks before attempting Week Two...When did 60 seconds get so long?  I think podcast man forgot to tell me to stop.  I think this is a defective podcast.  This music sucks.  My ears hurt.  My...

YES!  I can walk again!  Ok, breathing good, pace good.  I survived! I'm a survivor! Hey, look at that!  I wish I had the camera...

Run again?  That SOOOOO wasn't 90 seconds!..Ok, in, out, in, out...Labour was easier than this...Car!  Try to look like you're not about to stop and puke in the bushes...You're not, are you?...No. Good thing you didn't eat breakfast!...But thirsty...So thirsty...Throat hurts...LIps cracking...Mouth dry...Water...Water...Why didn't I bring water?...If I see another runner, I'm punching him and taking his water...Who am I kidding? I don't think I have any energy to put behind the punch...And they could out run me.  EASY...Maybe I should stop at one of these houses and ask for a drink.  I've met most, er, some of these people before.  And everyone is always very nice.  It's a neighbourly sort of place.  They'd give me a little sip of water, surely?...Or maybe I should just run into the lake.  Then I could stop itching and have a drink...I wonder if I should drink the lake water though?  Is it safe?  Have there been tests?  Have...

Oh.  Walking again.  Wow.  That 60 seconds wasn't nearly as bad as the first!  Walking.  Brisk walk?  How about a stroll?  I can do a stroll, but I can't manage a brisk walk any more. 

And so on...I won't try to remember everything.  After that 2nd run interval my brain settled down and there was a lot less internal dialog.  Maybe it was a zen-like state of peace and focusing on my breathing.  More likely it was survival mode.  My running intervals turned into a slow jiggly jog, with lots of panting and the odd random thought like "why am I doing what this guy says?  who made him the boss of me".  My walking turned into a plod. I might have fallen down and crawled, except I was pretty sure my arms wouldn't hold me and I'd just fall on my face.  

The best moment probably came as I was walking home (cool down time) and spotted a bear track in the mud:  "Bear track?  Why didn't I see that on my way out?  Is it fresh?  If I'm going to be eaten by a bear, why can't it be at the start of this torture instead of the end?"

Ok, maybe that was the second best.  The best was when the skies opened up and it started raining on me as I ran. 

Thank you, Lord.  I needed that!

Eventually, I made it home, everything shaking, head light, ears sore, mouth dry.  I did some stretches, drank some water, had a shower, and wondered if I'd live to try again on Thursday.  

TO SUM UP:

Day One: Run complete. 

How I feel: Like a bowl full of jelly.  That someone keeps hitting with a spoon just to laugh at. 

Why I ran: Ultimately, because I told Hubby I was going to as he was leaving for work.  As soon as I told him, he got that gleam in his eye, and then bent close to whisper in my ear something about being all wet and...well, it was for my ears only.  But I haven't really seen that gleam in his eye of late.  That gleam propelled me straight down the road and kept me going instead of quitting.  If it was just for my health, I honestly think I would have given up.  But for that gleam I pushed forward.  For that gleam I think I'll be able to do it again on Thursday.  'Cause I kind of like that guy.  And that gleam.

Changes: I wish I'd started with a walking program before this C25K thing.  Because going directly from the couch to running?  Not good.  I'm going to add a daily walk in to my program, even on Sundays.  I'll keep going on the C25K, because, hey, I didn't die today.  And stopping will feel too much like quitting.  But I'll admit I worry about Thursday, when my muscles are sure to protest.  I may have to do Week One twice.  I'll decide after Saturday's run. Also, the eat less part needs to be re-evaluated.  I don't think just eating less is going to do it.  When I stripped off to get in the shower, I started gagging from the smell of my own sweat.  It was seriously nasty and did NOT smell healthy.  I think I may have to do a detox and then overhaul the entire diet.  Certainly less meat.

I have no idea how to end this giant ramble.  Thanks for listening.  Feel free to advise or commiserate in the comments.